I’ll never forget the moment I became a mother. I guess you could say I was one from the moment I fell pregnant but I had fallen pregnant a few times before and miscarried so the moment I saw my baby girl for the first time, that was it. That was when I knew I was a Mum. I was so happy, I couldn’t speak. The nurse asked me what we had named her and I couldn’t get the name out, I was so choked up.

Now, 10 years later, little did I think I would be a part-time Mum. Just over 3 years ago when my husband walked out of the marriage I became a single Mum. I had always felt I was the full time parent when he was living here anyway so doing it all on my own wasn’t going to be a problem. It was just bloody hard work. We started with him having the children every second weekend and that was the first time since they had been born that I actually had a break from the daily routine. I used those 2 days every second weekend just to vegetate, maybe catch a movie, eat a small tub of ice cream or enjoy a hot cup of coffee from start to finish.

For the last 6 months, I have the children 8 days out of every 14. It’s working very well and the children are getting to spend time with Damien and I and my ex and his new wife. Everyone’s happy, or so I thought. My 8 year old little boy let us know he’s extremely unhappy with his Dad for not being truthful about coming back to us. It’s something he’s held onto these last 3 years that there might be a chance that he’ll come back to us. With my ex getting married last year and me now engaged, it was evident to my son that was never going to happen.

The poor little guy has had a stutter for a couple years but it was getting worse and he was also suffering from anxiety. Talking to a lot of people and reading a lot of things, it seems children do hang on to the fact that Mum and Dad might get back together but are shocked when it doesn’t happen and take it quite hard. He’s getting some counselling and speech therapy and lots of love, like they both always have. To think that my ex and I have come so far in these last 3 years is wonderful and all 4 adults in my children’s lives love them dearly and visa versa.

When the children go to their Dad’s, it’s an opportunity for Damien and I to enjoy our relationship and each other. We go for moonlight walks, dinner, concerts or just hang out and enjoy watching a movie without interruption. The trouble is, that’s not what I signed up for 10 years ago when my daughter was born. I was supposed to be with them every day and every night. It’s just another part of the Mummy guilt I’ve been going through. I think of them every minute they’re away but I know they are being well looked after and in good hands and they are spending quality time with their Dad. I know I am having a good time as well, enjoying my adult life and being ‘human’ again.

Some might say it’s the best of both worlds and some days it really is. I can’t help but feel guilty sometimes though. If I look at it positively, the children are getting the very best versions of their parents rather than the ones who didn’t get on very well and there was no love in the house. My ex and I are on the same page in regards to their upbringing and welfare and we really couldn’t ask for more. They are included in Damien and my relationship as much as possible. Sometimes you really have to take the good with the bad and make the most of every opportunity. I’ve learnt to live one day at a time and make the most of that time. The children and I didn’t ask for this or expect it but we’ve learnt to live with it and it’s better for everyone, all round. Life does have a funny way of working out sometimes. Whether my children are here in person or not or whether I’m a part-time parent or not, they’ll always be in my heart every second of the day.

(I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while but just never around to putting how I was feeling in words. It probably sounds a little disjointed but I wanted to put it out there for other Mums who might be going through the same thing to not feel guilty, that it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just the way it is and to try and keep things harmonious between yourself and your ex as much as you can, for the children’s sake.)