Am I body confident? The answer is NO! This is something I’ve wanted to write for a while. Not really to let you know of my frustrations with myself but rather a ‘brain dump’ and hopefully a shift in the way I think about my body. It might also help others feel like they’re not the only ones feeling the way I do.

There has been so much in the media of late, well for as long as social media has been around, about ’embracing’ your body, being ‘body confident’ and accepting the way your body is, especially for us mothers who have been through carrying a child. 

My Story

I’ll tell you why I’m not body confident. I’ve never even given my body a thought to be honest. If I think back at my life, I’ve never had a problem with negative self body image. I was too busy. I played sport from a very young age which took me right through to my late 20’s. Young girls today having plastic surgery and using social media to influence what they wear, how they look, their makeup, hairstyles etc etc just scares me. The people who influenced me in my teens were Australian cricket players and Swedish tennis players and not for their looks. No joke!

My Teen Years

I wasn’t concerned about fashion. I didn’t care how my hair was cut, what I wore, if I wore a bikini or a one piece. I just jumped in the water and swam. It wasn’t until I started working and became a little bit influenced by my women colleagues and what they wore, what was an appropriate style and if I had the money for the latest perm. (It was, afterall, the 80s.) I wasn’t conscience of what size I was, what I weighed, my height, shoe size or anything.

 

In my early 20s, I decided to quit my long term job to pursue a career in computers. It was the dawning of the mainframe computer age and the company I worked for purchased a small computer system. An upgrade from a manual, handwritten accounting system. I digress but I had a bit of money saved and decided to take some time off to look for the exact job I wanted. That meant hanging out with my unemployed sister at the pub, drinking too much alcohol, going away on holidays and just a drastic change in lifestyle compared to the one I had running to and from work, working out at the gym all the time (remember, the 80s). The weight soon piled on. 

The First Time I Dealt with Weight Gain

I still wasn’t really aware of any ‘body image’. My clothes were just too tight. I think I saw a photo of myself (remember, the 80s – no instant photos back then) and didn’t recognise myself. I soon lost the weight through sensible eating and back to more exercise and playing competitive sport and the weight just fell off me. The way I thought about myself hadn’t changed. I was still the happy-go-lucky person I’d always been, overweight or not.

Life continued to be great. I was probably the fittest I’d ever been in my life, applying to join the Australian Air Force when I was 25 and able to run for miles, do push ups and all those military type exercises that are required when joining the military. At the same time, I followed my heart, not my head when I met a guy in the Australian Army who was posted interstate and I joined him, passing up my career in the military. 

The Start of My Journey with Weight Gain

That was okay but soon after that my Dad passed away from pancreatic cancer, my so called ‘boyfriend’ had an affair on me and if it wasn’t one thing after another, I developed depression and I seemed to put on a bit of weight again. I don’t really recall eating too much more than normal. It was probably just getting older, doing less exercise but still partying like there was no tomorrow.

I travelled, I met more guys, I was having a ball after that time and after losing weight easily but by my mid 30’s I’d met my (now) ex-husband and was married at age 36. Still very slim, from what I can remember. I still didn’t have any problem with body image. I can remember wearing a bikini with no problem at all. I was obviously okay with how I felt and I could buy it off the rack at the surf store in about a size 12 but still, I wasn’t conscious of my size, weight or shape.

After a couple years of marriage, 4 miscarriages and the start of what was to be over 10 years of self sabotage through comfort eating from depression, struggling with a failing relationship, the stress of being a Mum and not being happy, the weight piled on. We still didn’t take a lot of photos back then but when I saw a photo of myself, I didn’t recognise who I was looking at. I just said “how did that happen?”

In hindsight, I just thought you must put on weight when you get pregnant but I never lost it. Each time I fell pregnant, I put more and more weight on. I also noticed that there were a lot of women around me who were falling pregnant, never went up a size in their clothing and looked the same as they did before they fell pregnant. Nah! That wasn’t me. I just kept going up and up in weight and size and still, not being conscious of my body size or image.

Life Stood Still for a While

Go back to the start of 2012, a failed marriage and then 3 months later my mother passed away suddenly and the worst depression I ever endured hit me like a train. It’s the lowest I’d ever felt in my life and how I survived still surprises me. After 2 and half years of therapy, something just clicked inside me. I remembered that young, sporty girl who thrived on being fit and active and I decided to join the gym and get walking. Something that didn’t cost a lot and was so much fun.

It was my focus. Me. Finally, after nearly 15 years of emotionally eating, like a whole block of chocolate every night after the kids went to bed because I needed it to keep me calm or not being conscious of what or how much I was eating at every sitting. I began to eat just to fuel my body and with the correct fuel. In about 4 months, I’d lost nearly 40 kilos (90 pounds). It might seem a lot but I was eating a lot of healthy stuff. Not once during that time did I ask what I weighed or how much weight I’d lost. When the personal trainer I saw occasionally at the gym weighed me he would just nod his head and smile. He didn’t have to tell me. I could feel it in my clothes and started buying smaller sized clothes. Not that the number on the piece of clothing ever worried me. I just wore what I liked and what fit me.

I was beginning to run, something I also loved doing in my younger years and was seriously thinking about taking up a team sport again. Juggling the children and the house was still my prime focus but I’d somehow managed to prop myself up to the top of priority list. Life was great and only getting better.

New Love

Just after that, a friend of mine suggested I try dating again. I wasn’t all that interested. Maybe someone to date occasionally but nothing serious. Soon after I met my now husband and he is the man of my dreams. All those idiots I’d met previously are not a scratch on him. He is the kind of guy a girl only dreams of, in every way. We really hit it off and every moment we had, he’d come over to my place or I’d go over to his. We went on dates, we went to rock concerts, movies, the occasional dinner out but my new found fitness habit and healthy eating soon went by the wayside.

Even though he is super slim and built like a racehorse (you know, the kind who can eat whatever they like and never put weight on) he had really bad eating habits. He hardly ever cooked for himself and would rather buy a takeaway pizza and eat junk food late at night watching TV, a new habit I’ve learnt to love since being with him.

Fast forward 3 years and I’ve nearly put all the weight back on since when I lost it. Still, I wasn’t really conscious of it. Sure, my clothes starting feeling tight so I’d buy something new in the size up, remembering I was never really aware of the number of the clothing and still I hardly ever saw myself in a photo or the mirror. Its not until I decided to do something like my recent Spring cleaning efforts, painting my toe nails or doing a home pedicure that I’ve realised I’ve put so much weight back on.

Also, since I’ve taken the plunge to do a Facebook Live cross every Monday at 10am I see myself in camera and wonder who that is. 

What do I see?

Somehow I still don’t connect with that picture of me as a young, fit girl in my head to the picture of reality in my mobile phone. I’m still that same person inside. I’m happy, I’m always laughing, always joking, the happiest I’ve ever been in my life but still I don’t realise that I’ve eaten too much these last couple of years and not done any exercise.

So, am I body confident? No. I never was. I never had a need to be. I think the women of today, especially us Mums who have had major changes to our bodies since having children, can think of their bodies however they want. If they’re worried about stretch marks and get into a bikini so they can photograph themselves with their children because their children don’t care what Mummy looks like, that’s fantastic. 

If you’re on the ‘plus size’ like me and love the way you look, that’s also fine. I am the last person to judge. But for me, it’s not acceptable. It’s still hard to make the connection to how I feel, the image of me I have in my mind and what my reality is. I also have my darling husband telling me he loves me for who I am on the inside and still finds me quite ‘sexy’. That’s the last thing I feel, let me tell you. I wear a bit of lipstick and my children tell me how nice I look and ask how come I’m all dressed up. Still, as much as I feel great about those comments, it doesn’t gel with how I feel physically about myself.

All I can do is wait for the ‘light bulb’ to go on in my head. The one that prioritises healthier eating and a regular exercise regime. I still love sport and would love to take up an activity that the whole family can enjoy. Summer and beach weather is only around the corner and I know I’ll just wear what ever swimming costume I’ve got that fits me and will I care what anyone else thinks of me when I’m wearing it? No, I won’t but what I will care about is that it’s hot, my legs are chafing, it’s hard to get up and down when you’re trying to lie on the beach and I get puffed easily.

Who Inspires Me?

My kids and husband inspire me. I’m not inspired by people who #embrace their bodies. They were slim to start with and have a few ‘body scars’ from carrying children. They can still bend easily and move around quickly to chase after their children. If they are feeling more in touch with their body image, that’s fantastic. I’m not inspired by people who are embracing their larger sizes either. That’s not me. Good on them though. No one should judge you by the size you are. That’s just nonsense. People who are fitness freaks and muscle toned don’t inspire me either. Anyone can feel however they like about their own bodies. What anyone says about your body is none of their business. 

People who do inspire me are people who can find the time to fit in prioritising themselves while still raising their children, loving their partner, keeping house and running a business or working full time. I saw this little snippet of Oprah on her Super Soul Sunday program when she was interviewing Carolyn Myss. It was something that resonated with me and it was like the universe was helping me to ‘get it’. It talks about how do you know if you’ve found your purpose in life. She summed it up perfectly with “you know you’re not in a position to betray yourself”, something I do every night when I’m snuggled up in bed with my husband watching TV chowing down on treats. You can watch the snippet here.

Like I said earlier, I’m still the same person I am mentally as I was when I was younger and fitter. Spiritually I’ve never been happier. My personality hasn’t changed since I put on weight. But for me, personally, it’s not me to feel uncomfortable and it’s something that only I can change.

Hopefully writing this will help me get the kick start I need. My husband won’t care neither will my children about the size I am. They’ll love me just the same but, for me, I’ll start to feel more fit and healthy. Will I be #bodyconfident? Probably not. It’s something I’ve never really worried about but as I get older, my joints and health will suffer if I don’t lose the weight so for that reason I will try. Not because of a hashtag. I can’t justify being body confident the way I am. I won’t.